Have you ever been having such a great day and one sentence can throw you completely for a loop? Well that happened to me last Monday night. I had just gotten home from work and like I do every day was giving one of my family members a call. The first sentence out of their mouth, “Why did you post that picture?” I knew immediately what picture they were referring to. The picture from my Boudoir Session that I posted on the evening of the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show. The picture that had gotten the most engagement of any picture, I had ever posted. The picture with a message that I so strongly believed in until those six little words left their mouth.
The next few minutes of conversation, left like a blur because everything they said felt like daggers to my heart. “You really need to get back in the gym.” “You know you’ve put on some weight.” “I’m just saying what everyone is thinking and is too afraid to say to your face.”
I am building a brand based on Self Confidence and in that moment, I felt like a fraud. A fraud because that Self Confidence and Body Positivity that I boast about was gone. It was shattered. And it didn’t matter the 600+ people that liked my post the night before, all it took was for one of the people who I consider to be closest to me, to voice these opinions to wipe all of the other feelings away.
I hung up the phone, as I felt my face getting hot and eyes begining to burn. And then I cried. I cried a gutteral cry that scared my cat and broke my heart. I cried for hours. I called my people. The people who always make me feel better but none of the conversations could bring me back. I was still deep in a ditch of self loathing and self hatred. You may ask was I mad at the other person? Actually, no. I was more so mad at myself. I was mad at myself for posting. I was mad at myself for gaining the weight that I know I have gained. I was mad at myself for not taking care of me, the way I know I need to take care of myself. I was mad at myself for letting someone else’s opinions seep so deeply into my soul.
I know that the person on the other end of the line didn’t mean to hurt me like they did. And although their delivery was HORRIBLE, they were still coming from a place of love and of worry.
A few weeks ago, I had a conversation with my sister. And she told me to her Body Positivity is loving your body and also taking care of your body. And to be honest, I know I have not done the best with that second part. And sometimes its hard to do the first part too. I still hate the stretch marks that have appeared on my upper arms and rolls of back fat that prevent me from wearing something backless.
But today I am vowing to embrace it all. The good parts. The bad parts. The parts I feel but don’t tell anyone about. But also I am embracing loving my life and myself. But also doing things to lead me living a better life. I know I needed to embrace the darkness of that moment, in order to find the light at the other side of it.